AT ISSUE WITH THE ISSUES

EDUCATION

Despite being home to some of the world’s best universities, the U.S. has an education deficit that it can barely comprehend because, well, it has an education deficit. With math and science rankings in the mid-twenties internationally, and a literacy rate below most of Eastern Europe, it would not be surprising to learn that most American teens believe the man who created the Dewey Decimal system was actually named “Dewey Decimal." Hey, we get it — learnin’ is hard. Numbers can add up to all sorts of things, and if you separate the letters in a word, they can be reassembled to spell an entirely different word. How is anybody supposed to concentrate with that kind of inconsistency?

(See America, But Better, Chapter 3.4: "The Question of: A) Education")

 
MONEY EQUALS SPEECH

The "Citizens United" decision — pithily summarized by the dystopian Charlton Heston line “Corporations are people!” — essentially allows businesses to stop putting politicians on layaway at the Congressman Outlet store and start purchasing them outright at the Bed, Bath, and Beyond Integrity around the corner. The unforeseen side effect of turning more than 30 million businesses into people overnight was the sudden, ten-percent increase in the U.S. population, a citizenry already reeling from high unemployment and increasingly scarce resources. Who will care for these new humans? Do small businesses now have the legal protection enjoyed by dwarves? Can Abercrombie and Fitch legally wed? Who will defend Target from the NRA?

(See America, But Better, Chapter 3.2: "Citizens Divided: People Are Now Corporations")

GAY RIGHTS

Nearly half of Americans feel that marriage must solely comprise a man and a woman, no matter how gay one or both of them actually are. The cornerstone of the anti-gay-marriage argument is that sexual promiscuity among gays will destroy traditional marriage. Somehow, through a mathematical formula we have yet to grasp, this means the best way to stop gays from having multiple sexual partners is to deny them the one institution that would prevent them from having multiple sexual partners. We accept that there are plenty of things about America that Canadians will simply never be able to grasp, so in an attempt to be fair to the type of people who think you shouldn’t be allowed to eat cake because they are on a diet, we propose that America allow one gay couple to marry for every straight couple that gets divorced.

(See America, But Better, Chapter 4.2: "What to Do with 'the Gays'")

 

THE ENVIRONMENT

We of the vast, untamed northern wilderness share with our southern neighbors a fondness for pretending we give a shit about the planet. We realize that environmentalism is more a fashion statement than a devotion to actual change, but to make the fashion an actual “statement,” there needs to be a certain level of commitment, and we fear we are just not pretending hard enough. As your democratically elected leader, Canada is committed to pretending to care about the environment just enough so your grandchildren can play outside without donning a beekeeper’s outfit and an inch-thick coating of spf 90. The world is equally doomed either way, but if we’re going to play pretend, let’s not phone it in — let’s wear the costumes and learn the dialogue to make the play as enjoyable as possible.

(See America, But Better, Chapter 2.4: "Showing Nature Who's Boss")

IMMIGRATION

Let's be honest — starving, oppressed foreigners don't want food and freedom, they want exactly what the rest of us want: to become famous on a reality show. So we propose reassigning all foreign aid to the development of a global reality-television franchise. Why complain about U.S. military bases in your back yard when you can tune in to Keeping Up with the Kazakhstans? Why burn American flags in the streets when you could be home watching The Real Hutwives of Mbanza-Ngungu? Running from the KGB? Audition for Dancing with the Czars! Looking for an advantage over your slightly darker neighbors? Give them a roadblock in The Amazing Racism! Seeking a ticket out of an oppressive Middle Eastern theocracy? Study up for Are You Smarter Than a Woman! Take a spin on the Wheel of Misfortune! Gamble that sandwich on Meal or No Meal! Toss that burka in the garbage and strut for your life on So You Think You Can Dance but You’d Better Not or We’ll Stone You in the Public Square!

(See America, But Better, Chapter 2.5: "Un-American Idol: How Reality Shows Can Stop Illegal Immigration")

 

GUN CONTROL

Despite Canada's pathetic attempt to arm its civilians — a paltry 200 gun deaths in Canada each year, compared to America's masculine 10,000+ — we recognize that the United States is steeped in gun culture, and we wouldn't dream of infringing on Americans' second-amendment right to live in fear of British troops rolling up on the shore to unload a shipment of Royal family commemorative plates. For decades, guns have been slandered by left-wing bullet-dodgers as somehow being responsible for killing people when they are really just doing what they were designed to do: kill people. As guns actually outnumber Americans now, we believe firearms are long overdue  protection from the people who use them. We are pleased to announce our Bill of Rights for Guns, affectionately known around the office as “Every Gun a Loaded Gun.”

(See America, But Better, Chapter 3.8: "All We Are Saying Is Give Guns a Chance")